Return of Nicole the Shaggy Dog
Amy and Mike Robertson stared out their mother's car window gloomily. They were bored half to death--courtesy of their mother--even though they hadn't even had to sit through the Christmas party yet. But they were on their way, and that was enough.
Let's take a quick break here and go over some things that could just happen at this Christmas Party: a) the party ends up being a real blast and they all go home one big happy family--yeah, right. or b)Amy and Mike die from boredom and the party turns into a funeral--and THEN where's the story? Sheesh! or c) the party was canceled and the Robertson's weren't contacted--I'll think about it. or d) they call in Nicole the Shaggy Dog--I'll think about that, too.
Anyway, when they get to the Christmas Festival, well, party, well, more of a get-together, then again, it could be considered a child torture chamber, but getting back to the point (whatever that was), they put their heads together and thought.
While Amy and Mike (well, more like Amy, as you'll see in a couple of seconds) were thinking, Mike's head drifted up and his eyes focused on the wall. What was on the being-stared at wall was a poster... but not just any ordinary poster. It was a poster of (drumroll, please) Nicole the Shaggy Dog!
That's right, folks. Nicole the Shaggy Dog had become an action figure, a movie, a bathmat, a coverlet, a purse, a poster, a backpack, a... you get the picture.
The poster read, "Nicole the Shaggy Dog brings FUN FUN FUN into your life! To meet her, call the number at the bottom of this poster!" (which is censored and has been changed to "395-8624".)
"That's it, Amy!" cried Mike in a very British accent.
"What's it?" asked a confounded Amy.
"It's it!" shouted Mike.
"You wasn't an It's It?" said Amy.
"No, THAT'S it!" the exasperated Mike replied, gesturing with his hand.
"The poster's It?" Amy asked.
"Yes, yes!" Mike told her.
"Well, I never wanted to play tag in the first place!" declared Amy, folding her arms.
"No, LOOK AT THE POSTER!" commanded Mike.
"It's Nicole the Shaggy Do..." started Amy. Then, comprehending, "Mike! I have a great idea! We could call Nicole the Shaggy Dog up!"
"YES!" yelled Mike.
"Don't I have the best ideas?" announced Amy.
"But..." said Mike.
"Oh, no need to thank me." said Amy, nodding her head.
"I..." said Mike.
"Now, go call her up, Michael Julia Shwartz Robertson!" commanded Amy in a strong voice.
"No, it's..." Mike got in.
"What? Is something wrong? Am I turning red?" cried a worried Amy. "Oh, I re..."
"Well..." Mike interrupted her reverie.
"Michael! Do not interrupt in my presence!" thundered Amy.
"Now..." Mike stated.
"Go! I command you! Don't make me angry, because you know what happens when I get angry!" said Amy.
"You start crying and call for Mother." muttered Mike. Then, realizing he could talk, he said, "Liste..."
"How DARE you! I'm going to cry and call Moth... you a big fat slob! Get out of my sight, this instant!" Amy yelled.
"Yes, Your Majesty." murmured Mike.
"FINALLY you learn some manners." Amy said.
- - -
If you think that you've had some brain damage because you've actually read this far, I think you're right. But, I mean, to type this in, I need to read it, too. So that makes both of us. But we need to get back to the story, I guess. Our story continues at the same fatally boring Christmas Party. And if you can stay awake for just a little bit more, you'll see why it was fatal...
- - -
Just then the door burst open. The superstitious Amy turned to look at the dangerous apparatus, half-expecting Nicole the Shaggy Dog to come flying into the room. And she was almost right. The son of the hosts of the Christmas party, Hoo Karres (a.k.a. Phil Shmill) came hurtling into the room.
"And stay there!" a voice yelled.
Following Hoo Karres came his friend Sae Wat, and her friend Watsis Faece, a computer nerd from Texas.
"Hello." the latter two said in unison to Hoo Karres as he picked himself off the floor and dusted himself off. "We came to keep you company."
Just then the door slammed, making the room shake. Amy feel off the bed where she had been sitting, and got a serious concussion from hitting her head on the thick, downy-soft carpet.
"Oh, my!" said the duo of Watsis Faece and Sae Wat. "We didn't know there was another person in the room!" Behind Hoo Karres, Mike stood up. He'd been sitting on the floor and because of that, had not been noticed. He sneezed loudly because he was allergic to the Spandex that Hoo Karres was wearing. Hoo Karres jumped with fright, shrieked once, and fell to his side, holding his heart.
Then the earthquake struck. Measured as 199000000000.2 on the Richter scale, it was felt strongly from Mercury to Pluto. The ceiling broke into pieces and started falling on our characters. Of course, since the story isn't over yet, the crumbled ceiling made a neat little circle around them.
Watsis Faece, Sae Wat, and Mike yawned simultaneously. Since Hoo Karres and Amy are unconscious, they just sighed in their state of unconsciousness.
"This is so boring." said Watsis Faece and Sae Wat to Mike Robertson.
"Nothing exciting, nothing life-threatening EVER happens around here."
Mike nodded slowly. "Boy, are you ever right."
"Let's go watch TV." said the duet.
"But what will we do with them?" Mike indicated his sister and Hoo Karres.
"They might die. You're right, nothing short of nothing ever happens around here." And he followed them out the door.
Then he remembered his earlier idea. "Hey, do-dos!" he called. "Let's phone Nicole the Shaggy Dog!" Watsis Faece and Sae Wat agreed, so he grabbed the phone and dialed 395-8624.
How do you like this pointless, boring story that's probably made you call your mom demanding to be let out of your room if you've been sent to a time-out? Never mind, I probably don't want to know. You'll probably say "It's great!" or something else equally scary. So back to the story...
Mike leaned back. He and his friends had been waiting for over two hours for Nicole the Shaggy Dog to show up. DING-DONG!
He raced for the buried door, Watsis Faece and Sae Wat on his heels. But it was blocked! So they set to work pulling boulder-sized chunks of rock from in front of the door. When it was finally done five hours later, they spent another hour fighting an avalanche that threatened to topple upon them from above. Then Mike and Sae Wat rested as Watsis Faece jerked the door open, then peered through. Mike and Sae Wat decided to join him. There was no one outside.
Mike thought it was unspeakably rude. "I can't believe they just got up and left!"
But then they came back. When Mike answered the door, it was to a man with matted dog ears on, fur trousers hanging off his legs as he struggled to pull them up. He straightened, saying that he had heard that there was someone in need of his services.
Mike stammered, "I'm afraid there must be some mistake. I asked for Nicole the Shaggy Dog."
The man looked at him disdainfully. "I, sir, AM the famous Shaggy Dog!"
"I don't believe it." said Mike in a rare, confident tone of voice. Watsis Faece, Sae Wat, Amy (who had woken up), and Hoo Karres (who had also woken up), came over to see what all the fuss was about.
"I assure you, you wretch, that I AM the Shaggy Dog." said the man with a glare and a sneer.
"First of all, it's NICOLE the Shaggy Dog." said Mike, returning the glare. "But if you're so sure, PROVE IT."
The man handed a piece of paper the size of a business card to him. On it were the words "SHAGGY DOG" in plain black ink. Mike glanced at the man, then took the card. It was regular computer paper. The edges were ragged where scissors had snipped at it, and for a moment Mike felt a sudden urge to tear the card up.
Just then a police car came roaring up. Out stepped a teenage girl and the police sheriff with two of his deputies. They grabbed the man and hustled him into the car.
Sae Wat, Hoo Karres, Watsis Faece, and Amy and Mike Robertson looked quizzically at the girl. She saw the look and said, "That man was an imposter." Mike nudged his sister and whispered, "No kidding." Nicole stopped, looked at Mike for a brief moment, then continued. "I'm Nicole La Fetra, a.k.a. Nicole the Shaggy Dog. I guess not what you expected. When I drove up, I saw that man driving up. I guessed what would happen and kind of freaked out. So I called the police."
- - -
Excerpt from Amy's diary:
November 28, 1997
Today we went to court. The man sued us, I don't even know why. But Mike can be such a clown. He told Sae Wat when we were leaving the courtroom that nothing exciting ever happens around here. Yeah, right.
- - -
Anyway, almost all of them lived traditionally happily ever after. I know, not much imagination. Well, too bad. But as I just said, almost all.
"Mike," said Amy as the two of them bicycled down the street to visit Hoo Karres, Sae Wat, and Watsis Faece, "remember when the house caved in and the ceiling made a nice little circle around us?"
"Yeah, I remember. But YOU don't. You were supposed to be unconscious, remember?" he replied.
"Oh, that's right." Amy thought a while. "Well, then, how's this; Remember when you told me about the time when the house caved in and the ceiling made a little nice circle around us?"
"Believable. Yeah, I remember." Mike turned his head to look at Amy, as she was riding behind him. Then his bike hit a bump and he whirled around again, heart racing. "Be careful, Amy. There are a lot of bumps here."
"I know. But, Mike, what ever happened to our parents?"
"They..." Mike stopped suddenly, his bike skidding as he realized what that meant.
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Amy with a cheesy scream as she crashed into Mike's bike and went sprawling. Her scream went unnoticed by her brother.
"Oh, no!" Mike wailed. "This is horrible!"
"I know," said Amy. "Just help me up, will you?"
"This is horrible!" Mike repeated. "We're orphans!"
"What?" Amy spluttered. "Shouldn't you be worrying about how to help me?"
"We're doomed!" Mike groaned. "Doomed. I tell you."
"Okay, I know we're doomed. But will you help me up?"
"We..." Mike said.
<mike, your sister . . . > warned the great big annoying narrator voice that sometimes likes to help the stories. (But sometimes he's just playing around.)
"Oh, NO!!!!" Mike went down on his knees, clasping his hands together. "Spare me, God!"
<i'm the great big annoying narrator voice that sometimes likes to help the stories, you idiot.>
Mike sat up indignantly to make a smart remark, but at that moment Amy moaned piteously. He went to her and told her, "You're so clumsy!"
Then Amy moaned again, and it looked like she might die.
"What?" asked Mike. "The story doesn't end here!"
<of course not. stop making a ruckus and get on with it.>
"Oh, yeah. So she doesn't die?"
"Okay, okay. Amy, where's the nearest phone?"
"It's right next to us, you dope!" screamed Amy. Then she said in a whisper, "I knew you'd call 911."
"What? Who said anything about 911? I'm calling Hoo Karres, Sae Wat, and Watsis Faece to see if they can pick me up!" said Mike.
Amy looked like she would scream back a retort, but she remembered she was supposed to be hurt, grasped her heart suddenly and keeled over.
"Amy, what was their phone number? Amy? Amy? Hello? Amy, I'm asking you a question!" Then he turned. "Didn't even have the consideration to answer my question first." He muttered, shaking his head.
It appeared that Amy was dead.
<amy! get back down and be unconscious!>
"I'm not going to die!"
<amy! you're wrecking the whole story!>
"I'm too young to die!"
<actually, amy, technically . . . >
"Well, too bad!"
"No! Good bye! I'm not going to die for any old story!"
<amy! come back! you're supposed to be uncon . . . oh, never mind. that was supposed to happen.>
Mike stared at the great big annoying narrator voice that likes to mess up the story. The great big annoying narrator voice that likes to mess up the story stared back.
"She's stubborn." remarked Mike as he gathered up all his stuff to go back.
And so that little pointless story ends.
Written 1999, Nicole La Fetra
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